Trying to feel close

Tomorrow will be the one month anniversary of G's death. Even as I write that sentence it doesn't feel real. I realized today that I am waiting for him to come home. Logically, I know he won't. He is gone. I watched him die. But it's like I'm holding my breath and hoping that this isn't real and he didn't die and life will go back to normal again.

I'm trying to hold onto him. I don't want to lose him. So I do things that make him feel close like:

Walking in the woods we went to on Mother's Day. It was his first time in the woods in years and it brought him to tears because he was so overcome by the size of the trees and the feel of being in the woods again.

Wearing his sweat shirt.

Wearing his favorite t-shirt to bed.

Keeping his night stand how he had it - with the headphones draped over the book he was reading.

Visiting his grave.

Not washing our sheets for almost a month because he had slept in the them.

Keeping out his favorite cup where he put it every morning when he came downstairs.

Looking at pictures and videos of him.

Sending him messages on GroupMe even though he will never read them.

Listening to the playlists I made of his favorite songs.

Snuggling with his "huggy pillow".

Being with his brothers.

Telling our son stories about him.

Bringing him flowers and talking to him at his grave.

Staying home.