Mother's Day 3.0

It's my third Mother's Day without G and I feel okay. Maybe I won't later, but I needed to record that the approach of this holiday hasn't been as painful as in other years. Memories have come back - my first mother's day when P was an infant and G brought me special breakfast and dinner and we took P to church for the first time. My second Mother's Day when P was dedicated at church and G (and P) gave me my birth stone ring for P. I don't have as many distinct memories of all the others in order but there was the year we went to the nursery and picked out my cherry tree, the year we got the bushes for out front of the house, and the last Mother's Day when we hiked in the woods near our house for the first time.

I have been blessed.

There were years when I longed to be a mom and Mother's Day was hard. Then there were years when I longed for more children and Mother's day was hard. Then there were years of fresh grief and Mother's Day was hard.

Today, so far, I mostly feel grateful. Grateful for my son. Grateful for how God has sustained me so that I can feel something other than crushed by grief, longing and loss on this day. I feel grateful that I've been able to write words that inspire others to care for me and other single mommas on this day. I am grateful because friends and family have helped me to feel seen. I'm grateful because I know that these days of celebrating Mother's Day with P at home won't last forever. I will savor them.

The Lord has been good to me.

Today, I can gladly say that he has turned my mourning into joy - at least for this moment.

And that is HUGE.