Tired

I'm tired tonight.

During the day I often think of things I want to write about. I'm trying to write every day to catalog this journey of grief. I may be the only one who ever reads these posts but even if so, I think just getting the thoughts out of my head and on to "paper" helps.

But then it's night time and P is still awake and we have more bedtime routine to get through and I am just. so. tired. All the time.

In two days we leave for our big trip to see family. I'm nervous. I'm nervous for the drive - especially the first day which is 6.5 hours. I'm nervous to be away from home. I don't like being away from visiting G's grave for 13 days. It'll be 2 weeks once we get back and it feels weird to be gone so long. I have mixed feelings of disappointment with UN who we will be visiting first.

At the same time I'm looking forward to it because being home is so hard. It's sad, quiet and lonely. The two times I've gone away have been refreshing. Fun even. Not every moment, but more moments then here.

I know P needs to be with family. He, and I, both need to be reminded regularly that there is more to life than death. We need to figure out how to LIVE. I need to figure out how to expand his horizons (in a pandemic), help him be rooted in our bigger family, and most of all how to stay sane.

I packed G's huggy pillow which still smells like him. I wanted something to bring - some piece of him.

I miss him. Even when he was crabby. I talked to an older couple today - they've been married for probably close to 40 years. His arm was around her back. And I just thought - savor that. They bicker and frustrate each other sometimes. But gosh, were one of them to die I bet they would miss nearly everything that drives them crazy now. A spouse is irreplaceable.