The Depth of Loss

At first I think it was just wrapping my mind around the reality that G was gone. He died. He DIED. Just comprehending that. He's not here for Christmas. I'm at his viewing. We are burying him today. This cloud of grief with these moments of terrible reality that broke through. It was surreal and when I look back on that time it is like a fog.

Now, almost 4 months later (how is that possible - 1/3 of a year?!?), the depth of the loss is hitting me more and more. The details of the loss. The finality of the loss.

I lost so much when I lost G. Our family of 3 is now a family of 2. I am a me, not a we. We lost his humor, his gifts, his decision making. We lost his warmth, his encouragement, his hugs. We lost his wisdom, perspective, strength of character. We lost masculinity in our home. We lost the "dad factor" that commands respect by its presence. We lost someone to cuddle with, someone to be intimate with, someone to wrestle (that last one is for P!). Our best tickler is gone. Our best dippy eggs and toast soldiers maker is gone. There's no one to watch a show or a movie with. There's no more Chinese takeout and movie on Saturdays. No more Chinese leftovers in the fridge for lunch on Sunday. It takes forever to get through a pump of soap and a roll of toilet paper (two things he used in abundance). The house is cleaner than ever - not because I'm cleaning but because he's not here. We don't need as many towels. I can't ask him my theological questions. No one tells me I'm beautiful. No one knows where I struggle and encourages me and cheers me on. No one calls out my crap or helps me see the big picture. P doesn't have parents, he has one parent. Our porch chairs aren't being used for coffee/ Monster Energy Tea and the Question Book during rest time. I'm even skipping rest time sometimes because I don't want to be alone. Our cheerleader is gone. The one who gives the BEST excited reactions is gone. Sitting and holding hands and listening to music is gone.

My birthday? Oh my birthday. He always celebrated me so well. He celebrated everyone so well. P can't "give" me a gift because G isn't here to give buy them and let P pick out the best one as his gift to me (P always loved to give the best gifts and get the credit! haha). He won't be making me salmon and my favorite Red Lobster biscuits. No card from him this year telling me how much he loves me.

The loss is SO profound. SO horribly profound. There isn't a corner of our life that hasn't been changed and torn apart by him leaving us. And as time moves on I come to see this more and more.