Thanksgiving 2021

Thanksgiving. My first one without G since he came with me to Massachusetts in 2006. He had just had his first cardiac arrest, life-flight, and miraculous recovery a little more than one month beforehand. I recall that his parents were not happy that he was going to spend Thanksgiving with his fiance out of state but it was our first holiday together and we didn't really care what they thought!

He played poker with my brothers and won us money for a date (hard to come by in our poor college days!). He hung with the guys doing who knows what while the ladies in my family through me a bridal shower. We watched Monster House with my mom and aunt. He slept on the couch in the basement and most importantly, got to know that side of my family and experience all the traditions of Massachusetts.

Fast forward 4 years later and I was sleeping on a cot in his hospital room. I would sleep there on Wednesday nights so that once a week neither of us had to be alone. He was waiting for a heart transplant and couldn't survive without the continuous care and IV medications available at the hospital. Our favorite nurses woke me up around 2 or 3 in the morning to tell me that a heart was available. This was the day that G would have his transplant. I remember bursting into tears. I was so afraid. So afraid he would die during surgery.

His family was in town (his mom had ordered a Thanksgiving meal from Boston Market or Giant that we were going to eat at the hospital). That day was a whirlwind of G getting prepped for surgery and my family rerouting their travel (mom, dad and brother were on their way to IL) to get to the hospital and be there with us. He finally went into surgery that evening, receiving his life-saving new heart on Thanksgiving day. It was terrifying and beautiful. God held us both. Someday I need to write the details.

10 years later, G was back in the hospital. He had gone to the ER the day before - the actual 10 year anniversary of his heart transplant. P and I had made signs for him and I had collected encouraging letters and videos from friends and family. We were going to order his favorite food and just make it such a fun day of celebrating him and the 10 extra years of life he had experienced since his transplant. Instead, he ended up in the ER. It was an awful day.

On Thanksgiving, UN drove up early in the morning so that I could get to the hospital and be there for the visiting hours that had been limited due to COVID (1-5pm). I remember they served "Thanksgiving Dinner" that evening but it was pretty gross and G was disappointed. Being at the hospital felt so discouraging and was so lonely. P wasn't allowed to visit. He could only have 1 visitor/day for 4 hours. I remember being in the lobby waiting to go in and it was me and a bunch of white-haired elderly people.

A couple weeks later when G was home, we had the Honey Baked Ham that we had planned to have on Thanksgiving (which was becoming a new tradition). We will eat one today in memory of G.

And today? Today is my first Thanksgiving without him in 15 years. I wish I could hear his loud footfalls on the steps as he came down the stairs and put his favorite cup on the coaster on the little table. I wish I could stand up and walk over and give him a big hug and tell him Happy Thanksgiving. I wish he was here to eat the ham (which we affectionately called ham-yay) and joke with his brother and play with P. I wish I wish I wish.

It's not to be. It wasn't God's plan for G to be here.

I'm holding the tensions today of mourning and loss and gratitude. God has sustained me for 11 months since G died. He has proven once again that his grace is completely sufficient for me. Great is his faithfulness - my soul knows it well.

Today we will run/walk a Turkey Trot (something G would NEVER have done). We will visit his grave. Eat ham-yay for dinner. Spend time remembering him. Laugh and cry and live.

Today G is with Jesus. He is whole. Well. Full of joy beyond comprehension. Thanking his Savior. Worshiping the One who rescued him.

I have a lot to be thankful for. G has even more. In the missing, in the sadness, in the memories - I want to remember that God has been faithful to me. Even though I lost G. Even though the trials continue. God's faithfulness is like the sun - always rising, always there.