Stages of Grief

I'm in a new stage of grief. The first was survival. Survival was all I could hope for and all I could manage. Each day felt like a mountain to climb. Simply getting out of bed and facing the reality of G's death made we want to climb under the covers and hide. We were a mess. P was angry and raging and tantruming. I was numb and crying and my arms felt too heavy to do anything. It felt like all I could do was the next thing. I couldn't look ahead. I couldn't think ahead. I just couldn't. We were surviving.

I realized this morning that we're stepping into a new stage of grief. Not that the survival stage is completely done and gone forever. But more days feel like something else - I'm going to call it the questioning stage. I can look ahead a bit. We have routines. We have survived for 5 months. We are doing it. Yet I question if I can keep doing it. I'm starting to wonder who I am when its just me. It's not we anymore. So what do I do? What do I like? What do I eat? What are my hobbies? How do I move forward? What do we do with our sadness? Why did G have to die? That's a big one for me and P. We are both wondering and talking about it. The initial shock has worn off. The reality of him not coming back is settling in. The overwhelming reality of living this life - possibly for another 60 years if God gives me a long lifetime- without him is incredibly overwhelming.

Why did he have to die? Why did he have a genetic condition? Why was suffering such a big part of his story? How can it be that P losing his Daddy is part of God's loving plan? How will I raise him now? How will I raise him later?

A big part of this phase for me is having to make decisions on my own now - with my values and with the memory of G's values being considered. But he's not here to fall back on. His voice doesn't outweigh mine. I don't have a husband to submit to. I am responsible. And the reality of my situation has me making decisions that I never would've had to if G were still alive. The old solutions and decisions and opinions don't necessarily work for this new reality. I still lean on his wisdom and take his perspective into account, but at the end of the day I am the one who has to make the choice and live with the consequences.

One thing I feel about this stage is that I don't want to rush it. I was part of a "we" through marriage for 13.5 years. I was a part of a "we" through a committed relationship with G for 2.5 years before that. It's going to take a lot of time to get to know myself as a "me". It's going to take a lot of seeking the Lord to know where he wants me to go. I'm going to have to push through a lot of fear to make the rest of my life one that is fully-living for the gospel.

Everything feels like its on the table. I don't want to make rash decisions. I'm taking things slow. Sometimes I just want to do something rash and crazy but I know its grief and fleeing that's driving that desire. So I slow down. I ruminate on my ideas. I don't make big decisions. But I do wonder.