So Many Things

There are so many things I want to remember. G's laugh - especially his ridiculous one that sounded like a single goose honk. All of our inside jokes. His expressions. The feel of his hugs. The feel of his lips against mine. All of our words that we used - we practically had our own language full of weird words we'd come up with over the years and used constantly.

There are so many demands on my time in the present and in planning for the future. Finances, investments, phone calls to social security and the DMV, homeschool for P, school for P for next year, on and on it goes.

And all I want to do is live in the past. I want to look at pictures and videos and make sure they are copied in lots of places so they won't be lost. I want to think about memories I haven't thought of in a while. I need to find the external drives with all our pictures from before I had a smart phone. I want to finish going through books with Paul that record his memories. Yet the crushing rush of each day - the tyranny of the urgent as they say - is drowning these things out.

I'm afraid of not having the chance to record things before I forget them. I feel like it's a way to keep G here. To not let go of him. So many things that only he and I share. So if I forget, who remembers?

And even as I say that, I remember that God collects all my tears in a bottle - that's how precious my feelings and my sorrows are to God. Will he not also remember the good things? Maybe more than the Google Drive, I need to entrust these things to God.

I wonder how our memories will work in Heaven. Does G remember everything from earth now? Does he have a perfect memory and can recall it all? Can he see all the events through the lease of redemption? Are our treasured moments being treasured in his heart even now in God's presence?

I have to keep reminding myself that he is alive. He is more alive than I ever saw him here on this earth. How I can't wait to see G as God always meant for him to be. Our best day on this earth won't compare to a single day in Heaven. The best is yet to come for me and G.

That gives me hope.