Rough Week & 4 Month Anniversary

It has been a rough, rough week. Rough month, really. April has had our first road rip without G. Easter, P's birthday, G's birthday, 4 month anniversary of his death, and soon my birthday too. So many firsts. So much crushing grief.

My depression has been worse since we've been home. Being away is a distraction but there's little time to grieve. Being home is crushing and so full of grief.

I'm trying to have us spend more time with other people. Tonight we did a picnic dinner with former neighbors and that was fun. Topics were light, we shot the breeze, it felt "normal". Yesterday I hung out with my friends and it felt so weird. Maybe because we always talk deeply but this time when we went deep there was a chasm that they just cannot cross. They haven't lost their husbands. They don't know - can't even begin to know - what this feels like. And I was answering questions but held back so much. By the end I had to leave or sob. It felt terrible to be with my closest friends and to feel that wall between us.

And then today - 4 month anniversary. 1/3 of a year. How is this possible? 1/3 of a year?!?!? I know that I'm progressing in my grief but this wave of grief has felt so overwhelming - almost like the beginning of grief without being numb. Despair. Physical exhaustion. Heart-sick. Pain that won't stop and in some ways I don't want it to stop because I don't want to "move on".

4 months of grief looks so much different than I thought it would. I am different than I used to be.