Regret

Regret is hard.

Looking back at the day G died, the week G died, the months before G died, I wish I could change some of the things I did.

One of the ones that is hard is the snow day that came 4 days before he died. We live in a state that doesn't get much snow and so every snow day is a big deal to P. We were supposed to get a big snow storm, but the forecast kept tapering off (like G predicted it would! I oversold it to P of course) and in the end we got less than 2 inches. But less than 2 inches is still snow and I was determined that my son get a day to play in the snow. Last year we were out of town during the snow and he didn't get any chances.

So when the snow came we went out in the morning to play before it became rain. We took a break and then went out again.

P loved it. G was so lonely. I had hoped he would sleep while we were outside but his pain was ratcheting up and he wasn't able to rest. Instead he sat in his favorite chair, feeling alone and in pain. He was cranky when we were inside and I felt so torn between giving my 6 year old a good day and my very ill husband a good day. Every day was a pull in two opposite directions.

By that night I knew that I couldn't do another day like that and asked UN to work from our house the next two days. I just needed another person in the house to help meet everyone's needs.

We went back out in the snow the next day when UN was at the house. It gave UN and G some time to talk and P and I made a bunch of videos for G.

Then, G died a few days later. And I kicked myself for spending one of his last days outside. What would I have done differently if I had known? What could I have done differently? I don't know.

But today it snowed. The first snow day since the week that G died.

And it feels bitter sweet. I love snow days and G knew that about me more than anyone else. And our last snow day together was hard.

There's a heaviness to this first snow day without G. A longing for his presence. A regret for how the last one was handled. A knowing that its too late and maybe doesn't even matter anymore since he's experiencing full joy in Jesus' presence?

But for me, it feels hard.