Panic

Late last night I received a text from a friend checking to see if I have enough gas in my car. I had heard some rumblings about gas shortages in nearby states and it has been in the back of my mind but I have been avoiding the news (there's only so much I can mentally handle!) and I had no idea what was causing it or honestly, if it was even real.

Hearing that it is real and it is happening in our town (though still having no clue what the context of it was) rattled me more than I would've thought. Immediately the panic of 2020 came back but this time without my husband here to be with me.

What if we run out of gas and.... I can't visit G's grave, my friend can't come pick P up on Tuesday, I can't drive P to his swim lessons and they don't let me cancel for gas shortage and my money is wasted? What if this lasts and I don't have child care for my classes in a couple weeks? What if he can't do VBS? Will I have to pay babysitters more money to compensate for their gas? What if food delivery stops? Didn't I hear there are food shortages because of the supply chain being messed up? What if this lasts and people can't come to G's memorial service?

My mind was spinning and my heart was pounding. My life feels like something I can barely manage every day - I cannot manage one more thing going wrong! Not alone! Not without G and with friends leaving for the summer and my grandma in hospice and my mom upset with me and my fridge empty because I still don't have an appetite and its hard to make decisions about what food to buy.

Finally I just set my phone down, shut my computer and put my head in my hands and cried out to God. It's too much for me. It is all so very too much. I asked him to take it - to handle it - to hold it all for me.

This morning I woke up and have been thinking about The Jesus Storybook Bible's telling of the sermon on the mount. The people are panicked: what if we don't have enough food? what if we don't have anything to wear? what if? what if? what if?

For someone who has battled life-long fear, the what ifs seems even scarier now that I'm facing them alone. What if I can't handle this? What if something happens to P? What if something happens to me? What if I regret not visiting my grandma? What if we visit her and P and I end up being traumatized by another death? What if? What if? what if?

I checked the news this morning and the gas shortages and starting to be resolved. It turns out its a temporary problem - a cyber attack disrupting things. And I've had over half a tank the whole time. It brought relief to my heart and mind but I know the next thing is around the corner.

Trusting God through the what ifs. Oh that he will give me the faith to trust him.