Birthdays

Today I turn 38. Greg will always be 35.

These numbers feel so strange. He was always 12 days older than me. How can I now be 3 years older than him?

Even his younger brothers are getting closer to catching up with him - their 7.5 year gap slowly shrinking. Soon it will be 4 years, then 3... eventually on a not far distant day, they too will pass him.

Yesterday we stood in front of his grave remarking on how impossible it all seems. How is he down there, buried in that beautiful cherry wood coffin that we picked for him? How could it be that his body has been there for nearly 2.5 years? Wouldn't it seem less shocking if he showed up and joined in on the birthday celebrations that fill this month?

He won't. But I wish he would.

Never again will he sit in his chair, lean back and clap while he laughs his most delighted laugh, or walk around the corner of the building with his black Northface backpack after a day on campus. Never again will he get a kiss goodbye and a hug from his boy. Everything we ever did is never again.

And at the same time - it is some day. Someday in heaven, we will be reunited. Someday his resurrected body will walk this redeemed world. Someday it will all be different but it will all be good. Death will be no more. Separation will be no more. Sad birthdays outliving your most beloved ones will be no more.