Numb Again?

After so many weeks of intense grief in April - so many firsts without G - I find myself feeling numb again. I want to cry but I usually can't. I think of him and I can't believe he's actually gone. Is this part of grieving? Am I not grieving?

The weird thing is how being "okay" now makes me feel guilty. I've felt okay for a few days this week. I've realized that there are some new rhythms that P and I have that are starting to feel comfortable. Not every moment is pregnant with loss. Even writing that makes me feel guilty. And it makes me worry that I am losing G - losing his memory. Losing that feeling of him being here. How can I get comfortable with his absence? Yet its been 4.5 months and some things that were so new and so hard feel more routine.

My chest hurts thinking about this. I don't want to lose him. I want his memory to be fresh always. I want to hold on to pain and grief because that is my last intense connection with him before he is fully in my past, frozen in time in memories.

It's like my brain knows he's gone and knows that I miss him but it stays in my brain - I can't feel it. Was it the frantic pace of this week, the endless accomplishing of tasks that took me out of my emotions? Is it time changing what grief looks like? Is it because I spent yesterday going through our memory boxes and pictures and he always feels closer and more present when I spend a day immersed in our past?

I don't want to be numb. Numb worries me. Sorrow and depression scare me. But numb makes me worry that I am losing him again.