Memory Box

I was feeling sad tonight and missing G, so P pulled out his "Daddy Memory Box" for us to look at. Watching my son pull out what he has left of his dad - a box of momentos and favorite objects made me so sad. I wish he had his DAD not a box.

So we looked through the objects and read the little notes we've written to remind us why each one is important. I didn't feel like it but it seemed important to P.

Now I feel like I'm in a funk.

My boy constantly changes from being super sweet to complaining and whining and angry at me. He acts spoiled sometimes and I think I'm making life too easy for him. Then he opens up about the sadness and pain in his heart and life seems too hard for a 7 year old.

He wants to be good but he acts so bad. And I know that my Heavenly Father seems the same thing in me and that he loves me patiently, consistently, unendingly.

But it is hard to be fussed at. It's tough to get complaint after complaint. I don't often know if P is responding out of grief or just selfishness. I am the parent. I can't put my grief or my needs on him - and yet he needs to know that his actions affect others. It's just the two of us. No sibling to learn with. No Dad to pave the way ahead.

It just sucks.

Being a widow never goes away. Not having your Daddy never goes away. It's the pain that colors everything we do. It's the memories that hit us out of no where. It's needing to be strong and being oh so sad and oh so weak.

Jesus have mercy on me. I am not up to this on my own.