Lazarus & Wondering Why

For years, the story of Lazarus in the Bible has stood out to me.

A friend of Jesus' becomes ill - deathly ill. Jesus is a mere 20 miles away and hears the news that is sent to him by Lazarus' sisters - two women that Jesus deeply loved. When Jesus hears the news, he responds, "“This illness does not lead to death. It is for the glory of God, so that the Son of God may be glorified through it.”" But the odd thing is that the illness does lead to death. Because instead of rushing to his friend's side to heal him, Jesus waits. For two days. And Lazarus dies. In fact, the Bible says that Jesus intentionally wait. He did not intercede. He let Lazarus die.

When Jesus finally arrives, Lazarus has been dead for 4 days. I remember looking up online what the death process is like in the Spring of 2020 when I was teaching this story to my Bible study. I regretted it afterward and mercifully, God seems to have erased that information from my mind. Because death is horrific. Within hours it is horrific. But days? There's a reason we do embalming and refrigerating and burial quickly. It's bad.

So it's been 4 days. Lazarus has been placed in a tomb. The stone has been rolled over the tomb to seal it off. There is no questions about it - he is dead.

But then Jesus does the unimaginable. He stands in front of the tomb, commands the stone to be rolled away, and then with the authority that only God himself has, commands Lazarus to come out. And he does. Lazarus - whose soul has left his body and whose body has been in the decaying process for 4 days, comes out. Alive. Walks out. Covered in burial cloths. Bound by the remnants of death but freed from death itself.

And so we see that Jesus' words were true. His illness did not end in death - but it did pass through death. Lazarus died. But he came back to life.

Why? Jesus told us before it even occurred- he did this so that the Son of God would be glorified through it.

For years, as I watched my beloved husband battle for life against so many physical ailments and diseases, I clung to that truth. That G's "illness" would not ultimately end in death but in resurrection life. That his heart problems had been given to him to glorify the Son of God. There was purpose. There was meaning. There was eternal significance.

But today - I'm struggling with this. It feels arbitrary. And a bit cruel. Why do I have to suffer for Jesus to be glorified? Why did G's life have to be so darn hard and full of suffering? Why do some people get healings in this life and G got it only in the life to come? Why does my son not have his father? Why was his father so limited when he was here? Did any of it matter? Does our story matter? Did G's suffering matter?

Were Mary and Martha amazed and grateful that Lazarus was brought back to life or did they feel used? Played with? Yanked around? Did they wonder if it was necessary?

I think that I could give the theologically correct answers to these things, but right now I just hurt. And the theologically correct answers don't always take away the pain.

And it's only partial answers anyway. I don't know why God gave us this story. I know why he gave it to Lazarus - he tells us. But me? Our story isn't written in Scripture. Our story has been witnessed by others but does it even matter?

When I show up places do people see that Jesus is sufficient? Do they see that he is glorious because he has walked me through my suffering? Or are they just glad to not be me?

Does my faithfulness matter? Is it making an impact? Is that the standard for if it matters? What if it makes no impact on others - it still matters to God. Ugh. Am I Job? Are we Job? Fighting a Heavenly battle that we do not see? Being tested to see if we will love God when he takes away blessings? What did Job think about it all? Did it feel unjust, unfair, arbitrary or did it feel like an honor from a God who loved him?