Dreams

It's been hard to sleep lately. It's hard to fall asleep. Night is finally my time alone, my time to process, and sometimes my time to get things done. When I'm finally done with whatever has to happen, my mind is always full of G, which necessitates some time in a book to distract myself.

I've been dreaming about G a lot lately. In some of the dreams, he's angry because of changes I've made in the house. A couple nights ago I dreamed that he was mad because I had floral post it notes now, not plain bright colors like he would choose.

I do struggle when I make a change that I know he wouldn't like. It's a weird thing to go from our preferences to my preferences. And mine are so feminine. I love the things I love, but I also have a greater appreciation for his masculinity and what it added to our home. And I'm raising a little boy here who will someday grow up to be a man. It's important for my home to reflect P too.

When I wake up, I rarely feel rested. Sometimes I feel relieved. It's nice to see G in my dreams but it can be distressing too.