Day 2

Our second day on our own found me lying face down in the snow crying at one point. Because the whole morning was a battle of the wills and P was melting down or exploding in anger at every. single. thing. and gosh darn it if sledding can't make a 6 year old happy than nothing can. I cried more today than I have in a while. More consistently - not harder but more extended crying while trying to get life done.

We both had to apologize a couple of times. Neither of us handled today well.

But we made it. And God did some neat things:

P had play time with our neighbor kids who also lost their daddy (3 years ago but still - he mentioned to me yesterday that being with them makes him feel less alone). My neighbor even watched P for an hour so I could get stuff done!

I might've found the right private school for him for next year. I love everything I'm reading about it and I think G would to (except for the uniforms and it looks pretty homogeneously white). They even have some spaces left and they are being so kind and accommodating and extending deadlines for me because of our situation! It just feels like God's providing. And it was found through the help of a friend.

P and I had a long chat about the night G died and how we both felt. He told me again that he couldn't sleep that night and laid in his bed crying. I asked if he knew his daddy was dying and he said yes but he didn't think he was dying that night. We talked about what hospice was and how the lady who came thought G had weeks, and then came back an hour later and said he only had hours. He asked me if I could sleep that night, what I thought and felt, so many things. It was good. I'm so glad he's opening up.

Also yesterday I found a note in our thankful book (we've been recording a few things we are thankful for every night since Nov. 2017) from the last snow storm - the one I wrote about yesterday where I felt regret for being outside in it with P. But G's thankful was watching us sled that day. I felt so relieved when I read that. Felt like an unexpected love note- this reminder that few things could make him as happy as seeing us happy. G wanted us to thrive. He wanted us to be okay. To be happy. To have joy. To experience life. And to love him and be with him until the end. And we were.

We will be okay. It's hard. Today was so hard. But we made. 2 days down. I'll wake up tomorrow and it will be Tuesday. God's mercies will be new. And on Friday I drive to my parents house and have HELP!