Burning in My Chest

Every night I look at pictures. Starting in 2007 (the ones on this computer), I've been going through - adding them to special memory albums so we can eventually make a slide show and book for the funeral this summer.

Looking through the pictures and videos, I just keep wondering how we got here. To this place where I am alone in our room, he is in Heaven with Jesus, and I am raising our boy alone.

He got sicker slowly. There were some big moments but it crept up on us. A lot of the videos I watched today are from 4 years ago. It's amazing how much function someone can lose in 4 years. My heart breaks as I see pictures of G and P and the three of us. Our family whole. My boy having a father. The love on G's face when he looks at P and the love that P has for G that shines right back. Gosh I miss him. I miss us. I miss when he was healthy and not depressed. I'm amazed by what he fought for - the hard, hard years during which he kept going for us. Kept making memories. Kept loving us, even as his body failed him.

He longed to be whole. He longed to be free. He longed to experience God's love and give Jesus a hug.

Are you doing that today, sweetie? What's it like in Heaven now? I know you don't miss us. I know you don't have any more longings. But goodness do we long for you. Thanks for being the best Daddy a boy could ask for. For loving him and me with everything you had. I long to hold your hand and slowly walk down the beach while savoring the sights and sounds and smells of the ocean. I miss your warm, soft hugs. Your plush lips. Your comforting presence. Our jokes. The way you delighted in P. I miss YOU. Every bit of you.