Anticipating the Memorial Service

G's memorial service is a few weeks away.

COVID was in full swing when G died. There were mandatory masks and social distancing, limited numbers of people allowed to gather, no vaccine yet, and so much fear. It was winter - with the flu season and COVID colliding and experts warning people to be even more vigilant.

Both of Greg's brothers have compromised immune systems so we had to be extra cautious - and after being so cautious and careful to protect Greg all those months, it seemed really wrong to turn around and put people at risk just because I didn't have him to protect anymore.

He died on December 19, 2020 at 11pm. We did a small family viewing on Dec. 23rd, 2020. He was buried on Dec. 31, 2020. The Memorial Service will be July 24, 2021.

His service will be just over 7 months since his death. But its bringing up fresh grief for me. Internally, I felt like I was kicking and screaming on my way to his burial. I looked calm on the outside but I didn't want to be there. I thought that burying him would make it feel real. Burying is so permanent. But as I sat there looking at his casket it all felt so surreal. How was he in there? I'd seen him in the casket at the viewing but I still couldn't wrap my mind around it. I cried, I felt sad, but I mostly felt oh so numb. I can barely remember it. Most of the memories I have are actually just the pictures that were taken. I do remember that it was a beautiful winter day - blue sky with puffy clouds. It was supposed to be rainy and cold. It was much warmer than expected. A beautiful day. Somehow the rain would've been more fitting.

So now I'm slowly watching the days tick past and bringing me closer and closer to this thing that seemed so far away but now seems way too close. I don't want to do it. I do want to do it because G is worth it. I want to honor him. I want to grieve him. Remember him. Show how loved he was and how loved he is. And yet - it feels like its going to make everything really, painfully real. I don't want it to be real. I want to wake up from a bad dream and he's here. Giving me hugs, stroking Paul's hair, laughing with me at our inside jokes, snacking at night, ticking me off - haha I would take it! Oh just to give him a hug and feel home with him again. Feel his warmth. Feels his manly arms around me.

He's not coming back. I know that and I don't know it at the same time. And oddly enough it feels more surreal as time goes on. I know he's not hear today. But I cannot begin to imagine him not being here in a couple months.

One day at a time - that's all I can do. God will carry me through the service like he's carried me through everything else. One moment at a time.