Am I Sad Enough?

I woke up feeling okay this morning. Even hopeful! As if I could keep going and life might have joys in it. Maybe there is a future where I don't feel sad and burdened by G's death - maybe there's a way to move forward into acceptance.

Even typing those words makes me feel guilt. I should be sad. I AM sad. How can hope and grief coexist? Should they?

To feel okay seems to cheapen what G means to me.

I've had moments of feeling okay since he died, but in those moments I've been distracted by something else - a funny story, a ride down the hill on a sled, trying to climb onto a horse's back without a saddle. Distraction isn't peace. Distraction is just distraction.

Already the heavy feeling is back in my chest. I miss G. I miss him a lot.

The grief books are telling me that it's normal to feel guilt. They speak of letting your loved one go. Letting go of the past instead of living there. Moving toward the future. The one I was reading this morning even spoke of writing a goodbye letter. I am not even close to being ready to do that. There's a part of me that rebels against the idea of ever doing that. Saying goodbye? Unacceptable. Letting go of the past? Treason!

And yet, I see that there is some wisdom.

Last night, P lost his 3rd tooth since G died. Three teeth! Time is moving forward. P is growing and changing. As much as it grieves me that he is changing and these changes are happening without his daddy here, I can't stop it. I shouldn't stop it.

Somehow- by God's grace - we will move forward. Not move on. I don't want to move on from G. He's not an ex-boyfriend that I am working to forget and has no relevance to my life anymore. He's my husband of 13.5 years. We have been together since 2004! 16 years of sharing our lives together.

By age 40 we would've been at a place where 1 out of every 2 days of our lives had been spent as a couple. We looked forward to that! We were a team, best friends, partners in everything. Our relationship isn't something I will move on from.

But God is calling me to move forward. Trusting Him. Seeking Him. Following Him into the unknown future. And then someday, I will be with G again. I look forward to seeing him. Giving him a big hug - feeling the warmth and softness of his body again (will it be warm and soft in Heaven?). Goodness I miss him.