Am I Blessed?

About a month ago I tried to go to my online Bible study. I thought it would be encouraging to see the other women and hear Truth from God's word.

And it was - in some ways. But it was also hard enough that I haven't been back yet.

One of the women remarked that her husband had been protected during the riots at the Capital building (he's a Capital police officer) and said that they were blessed.

When she said that I thought to myself, am I not blessed?

Because her husband was protected from harm, she considers herself blessed. But my husband died. Should I consider myself cursed?

But I am blessed. I am blessed and she is blessed. I am loved and she is loved. God is sovereign over her life and mine. But her husband was protected and mine died.

So what is blessing? Is it a healthy, safe husband? A long life? Good health? Freedom from physical pain?

Was G blessed? What about when he was in the hospital? What about when he was waking up on ventilators terrified? What about when he couldn't even climb 1 flight of stairs but had to crawl up them at age 35? When the sedation didn't work and he felt all the pain he shouldn't feel? When he had to tell his beloved son that he was dying?

Am I blessed? What about when I was being pulled because a seriously ill husband and an extremely active little boy? What about when I couldn't see my family and friends because of COVID and G being high risk? Was I blessed when I had to call an ambulance? When I drove G to the emergency room? When I anxiously waited while he went back to yet another painful procedure? When I watched him suffocate to death, unable to do anything but to hold his hand and reassure him of my love and that Jesus was with him?

Is P blessed? Is it a blessing to lose your Daddy when you are 6 years old? To wake up to hear your mom tell you that daddy is gone? Is he blessed when he cries when we visit G's grave or when he stomps around the house because he is so angry that no one saved his dad? Will he be blessed when G isn't there for his first day of private school, or his first date, or his move to college, or his wedding or the birth of his children?

Were we? Are we? What is blessing? If it's a long, prosperous life of ease then we are not blessed. But then neither was Jesus.

Jesus has a different perspective on blessing.

Matthew 5:2-12 says,

2 And (Jesus) opened his mouth and taught them, saying:

3 “Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.

4 “Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted.

5 “Blessed are the meek, for they shall inherit the earth.

6 “Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they shall be satisfied.

7 “Blessed are the merciful, for they shall receive mercy.

8 “Blessed are the pure in heart, for they shall see God.

9 “Blessed are the peacemakers, for they shall be called sons of God.

10 “Blessed are those who are persecuted for righteousness' sake, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.

11 “Blessed are you when others revile you and persecute you and utter all kinds of evil against you falsely on my account. 12 Rejoice and be glad, for your reward is great in heaven, for so they persecuted the prophets who were before you."

Before the pandemic, I planned to get a tattoo that says, "Jesus is Better". I've been thinking about it again. I've been thinking about how every time I lose something or someone that is dear to me, I get more of Jesus.

Not having G with me makes me lean on Jesus, hope in Jesus, trust in Jesus. Mourning makes me focus on what really matters. Having a husband in Heaven reminds me that this life is but a mist. Reading and hearing the words people have shared about G reminds me that he invested his life in what really mattered - God's Word and people's souls.

God is close to me, and I am blessed.

I experience his grace every day, and I am blessed.

I know now that I can even survive the death of my husband and best friend if Jesus carries me, so I am blessed.

I have more of Jesus, so I am blessed.

I'm blessed when my prayers are answered, and when they are not. God is kind when he heals, and when he doesn't. I am loved when God's plan for my life involves joy and when it involves intense sorrow.

There are realities, not feelings.

I am heart broken. I am angry. I am sad. I am scared. I am exhausted. I am overwhelmed. I am alone.

And yet, I am blessed.