Aging

I think grief is aging me.

I've always looked young for my age. "Good genes" I would say. My maternal side of the family looks younger than they are - my grandmother is alive at 97 now and looks like she's in her 80s!

G always said that my eyes showed the suffering, the weathered-ness of life. But that I still looked young. People would see pictures of us from when we were married about be shocked that G looked so different and that I looked so similar.

But lately I'm looking in the mirror and I just look... old. Worn out. Worn down. Tired. Drawn. Exhausted. Older.

Is it the exhaustion? Is it the tension and stress I'm carrying in my body? Is the grief aging me? The crying and frowning and not sleeping enough or eating right effecting my body?

I am TIRED. Oh so tired.

I'm thinking about wearing makeup. I haven't worn it since our early days of being married. G preferred me with out it and I prefer not to wear it - seemed like a win, win! But now I feel like I could use it. Mask some of the wrinkles and spots and exhaustion.

It's weird to think of things like makeup for the first time on my own as a widow. I know what G would say - I'm beautiful without it. But what do I think?

I don't have anyone to attract. I don't want to attract anyone. But I do feel like I just look.. bad. Life the grief is visible.

Starting to think through not what do WE think about a topic (like makeup) but what do I think about a topic (like makeup is weird). Who am I? Who am I when it's just me and not we?