A letter to G on the 3 month anniversary of his death

Hey Sweetie,

Gosh do I miss you. I'm sitting here at the table in your chair. The chair you sat in on the morning of the day you would die. I sat across from you - you'd had a hard time sleeping because of the pain. So we chatted while I drank my coffee and you drank a glass of orange juice. You couldn't eat - too much abdominal pain.

I can't believe you've been gone for 3 months. 1/4 of a year. At the same time it seems like so much longer because these have been the longest 3 months of my life. I think the longest we've been apart since we were married is a week - the week that P had his live virus shots and was missing us at my parents house in 2018.

Life feels so different without you here. Emptier. Sadder. Harder. Heavier.

I don't laugh much these days. I miss your jokes. Our inside jokes. Your cute looks. The belly laughs P would give when you tickled him. He belly laughed yesterday and it might've been the first time since you died.

He slept with your ships t-shirt last night. His little head resting on it to fall asleep. He was missing you. I asked him what he missed most about you and he said everything.

I miss everything too. Your presence. The sound of the floorboards creaking above when you woke up in the morning. The rhythm of you coming downstairs. Hugs. Standing on the step stool in the kitchen to hug you so I could rest over your shoulders. Snacking and chatting at night together. Talking before bed. Goodnight, I love Yous. Sitting on the porch and doing the question book or talking. Playing Canasta or Coli together during P's rest time. Hearing about your day. Sharing my thoughts. Asking you questions - theological or life or anything else. Someone to just talk about stupid, mundane things that no one else cares about! Your perspective. The way you could always calm P down at night. Snuggling as a family on the Big Bed. Doing Titions together. The smell of your shampoo and body wash after you took a shower. Your masculinity. The order you brought to our home. Your jokes on GroupMe. You and P wrestling. Your kisses. Hearing you talk about P's cheeks. Watching you teach the Bible. Hearing your laugh when you were talking to your brothers. Strolls as a family with P between us because he wants to hold both of our hands. Holding your hand on a walk. Watching our shows together (I haven't watched any of them since you died). Chinese food and a movie together. P and me trying very unsuccessfully to tickle you. Asking your advice. You helping me make decisions. Your strength of convictions. Joking together about how the neighbors never leave their house just one time. Fires in your chiminea (my gosh - how did we just get that for Father's Day?).

I made P clean up his LEGOs yesterday and I thought you'd be proud. I'm trying to bring some order but it's so hard without you.

Everything is hard without you.

I am less anxious though - because no one I love is actively dying!! Much, much sadder at the same time.

I think of you so much. I talk about you a lot but I think of you even more. If thinking of you or missing you could bring you back you'd be here by now.

I think of you whole and well in Heaven. I think how beautiful you must be. I CANT WAIT to be there with you. To hug you. Just hug you. To hold you and feel your warmth and softness and feel like I am home. Maybe we can take a walk and you can show me around and we can explore and heck even run and not grow weary!

I hope Jesus has wiped away all your tears. I hope that your welcome home to Heaven was like the poster you made that's behind my night stand. I hope you are experience joy and peace and wellness that fills your heart with worships and awe and satisfaction.

Honey I don't want to stop talking to you - but of course I'm not really.

We're going to bring you flowers to your grave today. Your grave marker might be in. It will be beautiful. And so permanent at the same time. But that's what death is. Permanent until Jesus makes all things new.

I love you forever. Always have and Always will.

<3 me