8 Months

Today is 8 months since G died. It's been 8 months since he sat across from me at the table where I am sitting now and drank a glass of orange juice while we chatted.

Sometimes it feels like a lifetime ago. Sometimes it feels like it was just yesterday. And sometimes it feels like he was never even here.

There have been moments this week when I wondered if I'm starting to inch closer to "acceptance". And I hate that word because it sounds like "approval" - as if I'm okay with him dying. I'm not. And there are big parts of me that still kick against the permanence of death. I still go back over things in my mind over and over again trying to find a different outcome.

But I've had some moments where I am okay. Where I can see myself rebuilding my life - this new life in which G is always a part of it because he's always a part of us and will forever influence our lives - but one in which I am free to explore who God created me to be and the chapter of my story that I am now in - whether I like it or not.

Two surprising things have helped: starting to learn American Sign Language and Spanish. For years I've said I wanted to learn Spanish and never did anything about it. This week I started Duolingo and am doing a lesson every night while I wait for P to fall asleep. Moving forward towards a goal feels so good. I'm a goal-type of person. I've felt so adrift. This has helped.

And the ASL is so fun because I'm doing it with P so that we can communicate with his new friend who is deaf. It's just fun to learn and now it's like we have a "secret language".

I also signed us up to do a walk for the American Heart Association in memory of G. This fall will likely be hard emotionally so I am making plans of things that we can look forward to. I need to keep seeing and remembering that life has not left me behind. I did not die when G died. Yes, a part of me did. But I am alive for a purpose. I want that purpose to be fulfilled and then I want to go home to Jesus. That's it. "To live is Christ and to die is gain"