Why I Still Believe

A friend recently asked me why I still believe in God after everything I've been through.

It was a genuine question, asked from a place of hurt and pain. She has suffered deeply throughout her life and lost her younger brother to suicide less than a year ago. It has challenged a faith that she once thought was unshakable - as suffering tends to do.

The first thing that popped into my mind when she asked was something G said often, "I believe in God because I've met him".

In many ways, I think that summarize where I'm at now too. So many times after G died, I have thought of the time in the scriptures when people stop following Jesus. He isn't doing what they want him to do. His teachings are hard. His miracles aren't always available. He is not giving the people everything they want. And so they start to leave. He turns to the disciples and asks if they are going to leave too. And Peter responds, "Lord, to whom shall we go? You have the words of eternal life".

Where else would I go? I've gone to anger. To escapism. To books. To sex. To fantasies. I've gone to food. I've gone to friends. I've gone to romance. I've gone to busyness. I've gone to it all. Nothing can give me life but Him.

And have I met him? Yes I have. Most profoundly in my darkest moments. In those times when I am on the floor, desperate. The times when I cannot see the way forward and the sorrow in my soul is a physical ache. The times when I feel like I will melt into the earth with emotional pain. He is there. He is always there.

It would be hard to put into words, but I've met Him. It's not something I can prove to you empirically, nor could I convince the skeptic's heart. But I've met him.

Trust me when I say that He is the only reason I am still here. He is the strength in my weakness. He is the faithfulness in my faithlessness. He upholds me with the word of his power. And He will never let me go.