This is Good Too

"I still remember the accident. Who could forget the horror of it? But I also remember what has happened since. Who would want to forget the wonder of that? My memory has become a source of healing for me. It reminds me of the loss. But it also tells me that the loss was not simply the ending of something good; it was also the beginning of something else. And that has turned out to be good too."

- Jerry Sittser, A Grace Disguised

It is hard to admit, but this is good too.

I am starting to enjoy the new life I have, the 2.0. It is hard to admit, but to refuse to admit it is to refuse to accept grace. To refuse to honor and thank my Heavenly Father who has somehow brought beauty from ashes, joy from mourning, hope and life from death.

Am I done grieving? No.

Am I glad that G is gone? That our story involved so much suffering and ultimately his death? No! Emphatically and absolutely no.

But he is gone. And it is our story. And even harder to admit, it is the end of our story. But not the end of mine.

Months ago, a friend gave me perspective. That God was not interested so much in what he could do through G - but in what he could do in G. The work that was complete, the plan that came to fruition and was not frustrated by disease and death, was the work of the Holy Spirit. The transformation and healing and Christ-likeness that God intended to produce. The hope and the faith. And then G was taken home. It was time. His body couldn't handle any more. His soul couldn't either. It was time. And he did not die one minute, one second, before he was supposed to. His life was not cut short, his work was not left undone.

But my life continues on. I'm on a new assignment. From 2004-2020, it included G - as a vital, active, present, sanctifying, blessing in my life. Now it includes the influence that G had, the ways he impacted and changed me, the woman I became through my marriage to him. The son that was born to us. But it continues on.

And I'm starting to see that in its own way, this chapter is good too. There are new graces, new blessings. New relationships, new tasks, new ways that the Lord is working in me and yes, even through me.

I will never forget what happened. Yet I also don't want to forget what has happened since. How God has carried me. Cared for me. Provided for me. Blessed me. Freed me. Challenged me. Pushed me. How I have experienced him in ways that I never needed to before.

So this is good too. Life with G was good. My new life is good. Blessings then, blessings now. Graces then, graces now.

Lord, help me to accept the graces now. To trust you with them. To not refuse them. To receive them as the gift that they are. Amen.