That Time I Dodged a Bullet

It still hurts. Rejection, feeling messed with, feeling cast aside.

But I think I dodged a bullet.

I met HW and it felt good to feel a spark with a man. I missed (and still do) masculinity and male attention. I wanted to find a path forward. One that didn't mean me, by myself, doing the hard things of putting my life together and taking care of myself and Paul.

HW liked farms and the outdoors. His kids rode horses and he had one. He was on top of things - able to do things that G hadn't done in a long time. Could walk at a quick pace, up a hill, and talk to me. Was there. Was older but active. Could do things like play sharks and minnows and run around a riding ring and jump over jumps. I think that's when I realized I was smitten. The first time I saw him be goofy, running around and jumping over jumps.

We got along well, joked around well, and he seemed eager to help me. And to talk to me. And to text me.

And being so unsure of what was ahead, and so much wanting to get past what was behind, I was willing to bend over backwards for him. Put other things on hold. Wait to make plans. Heck, prioritize him over other relationships.

There's a part of me that misses the attention and affirmation. I miss thinking that there was a man who saw me, noticed me, enjoyed me. But he isn't that man. He's found someone else.

And it hurt. And I cried. And I grieved G in new ways that I hadn't in a while.

But here's the thing. I'd forgotten. I'd forgotten that I need to wait for a man to pursue me, not pursue a man. I'd forgotten that I want more than a comfortable life, horses and money and restaurants and drinks. I'd forgotten that someone who doesn't notice the small things and someone who makes promises and doesn't keep them is not someone that I want to be in a relationship with.

I think that HW rejecting me was a mercy. It's led me to this new place of owning my life, owning our past. This new dream of writing a book and of having a ministry not in spite of what I've endured but in light of what I've endured.

Maybe there were things we had in common but it wasn't enough. It wasn't a calling. God has called me to something. I don't think he is the right partner for that calling. Maybe nobody is.

But I do know one thing. I need to be more picky. I need to be more careful. I need to pursue what God is calling me to and if he brings a man into the picture in his time and in his way, that is okay. But right now, I need to focus somewhere else.

I have a lot to offer. HW didn't want that. Not to sound bitter - and I probably am a little bitter though I don't want to be - it is his loss. But more importantly it is my gain. I am back on the path that God has for me. And I am stronger.