Self-Care

One of the things that comes with outliving your spouse, especially at a young age like me, is the necessity to keep going. If I was 88 years old I would just be done. No wonder so many old couples die so closely to one another. This is barely survivable in my 30s with 13.5 years of marriage to G. In my 80s or 90s with 60 years with a spouse? That's not just an amputation, that is a death. That must be nearly unsurvivable (and clearly it often is).

But I am a mom. I am young. I have (based on average life expectancy) decades left. Ugh. What a burden that feels like. I can't think too far in the future without starting to ask how I'm going to do it.

Yet, I think I am finally getting out of "Maslow's Basement". On the majority of days I can handle the day - not just the minute or the hour. I'm not feeling as crushed by grief this week. Maybe because last week was so darn difficult and grief really does come in waves like they say (at least this far out it does - it didn't feel like that at all for the first portion). But today I drove myself to the doctor for a physical and some bloodwork. I haven't had a check up in 3 years and one thing I know is that I need to take care of myself if I'm going to be here for P. Part of me balks at that statement because there are times I don't want to be here, not at all. There are moments when it feels too much. When I realize that I am indeed having suicidal thoughts. Not ones I would act on. Not a plan or anything like that. More of a surrender. A questioning of what's the point.

The thing is that the point has to be bigger than P. Because P's life isn't guaranteed either. I need a hope and a purpose that is bigger than my loved ones. I need a hope and purpose that is rooted in Jesus alone. Because everything and everyone else will ultimately be lost. People, things, expectations, dreams - these things are far too small to build my hope upon.

And yet - to keep going, to be faithful to do what God has given me to do, to live in the reality that he has work left for me to do - I need to take care of myself. Which starts at doctors appointments (skin, gynecologist, primary care, dentist, eye doc) and continues with time spent in God's Word refreshing my soul, time spent with others (friends! adults!), strengthening my family relationships, and getting SLEEP.

G would want me to thrive. He always wanted me to thrive. He always wanted me and P to be well. He would want me to push towards that in the midst of the pain and grief. To hold on to hope. To remember that I will be with him again. To live well and faithfully now.

It is so hard. And a lot of days I'm back in Maslow's Basement. But the fact that I have ANY days outside of it is a true victory.