Rough Day

Today was rough.

So many emotions.

So tired of everything and every day being so hard.

It hit me at the cardiologist this morning that I am not going to have a straight forward answer to P's heart. The doctor cautioned me while we were there (obliquely so that P wouldn't catch on ) and later over the phone that medicine is continually "changing its mind". Having the genetic test done is a piece of the information that is helpful in caring for P but it isn't everything. It isn't all the factors. Some people have the genes but don't have symptoms until decades later. Others die of sudden cardiac death. If P tests negative, we still need to keep an eye on him because we don't know what other factors contributed.

And it just sucks.

It sucks that my husband had this genetic condition. I mean, that is such an understatement. It was a nightmare, through and through. And then I lost him. And it's not over.

It's not going to be over. Because we don't know how this will impact P.

So I felt angry. And sad. And fed up. Depressed. Unmotivated. Teary. Frustrated. Jealous. Bitter. Impatient. Tired. Anxious.

We dug in the dirt in our garden for over an hour. Moving bags of dirt, shoveling, digging, it was good to just work out some of that frustration physically. Later on I did a workout because it was that or not finish the day strong (which is not an option as a mom) and then P and I went for a walk/bike ride.

Being outside always helps and I felt better over dinner than I had all day.

Just a hard day. This grief thing doesn't go away. It shifts and changes, ebbs and flows, but it's always there.