One Thing is Vital

What do I need... I mean really need... to survive this life?

I used to think (let's go back to high school here) that it was my horse. That sounds ridiculous now, but it's true. I remember how all my hopes and dreams and really my sense of identity and stability, were wrapped up in him. I remember thinking I would not be able to survive if he died.

God matured me. Life happened. I recognized that my horse was an idol. I loved him and enjoyed him but he became a smaller part of my life out of the necessities that happen with marriage and career and moves and motherhood. And then in Feb. 2020 he died. And I survived.

I used to think (now we're in my 20s) that it was G. Sounds less ridiculous doesn't it? My husband, best friend and the love of my life? The person who made me feel safe and known and who shaped so much of my identity and the person I became in my adulthood? But still, I had to recognize that G was an idol. It happened slowly as sickness and infirmity made him less dependable and stable. As I had to come to grips with the reality that he would likely not survive to old age - that I would outlive him. As surgeries, hospital stays, mental health struggles and decreased abilities forced me to look to God because my wonderful husband could no longer hold the weight of making me okay. And then in Dec. 2020 he died. And I survived.

We're going lesser to greater here. Surviving my horses death wasn't even a question by the time it came. Surviving G's death has taken everything in me and the sustaining grace of God. Two radically different experiences, yet two things that a younger me didn't think I could survive. But I did - by God's grace.

So what do I need? Because here's the reality: everyone I love will die. Either before me or after me. None of my hopes and dreams (do I even have those again? Maybe the tiny seeds of them) are tenuous and there are no guarantees. People will move. Money can be lost (hello recession). Retirement could disappear. War might spread beyond Russia and Ukraine and begin to impact us in very real ways. My counselor is getting older and won't live forever. Loss of electricity would isolate us from so many friends I'm temped to put "all my eggs in the basket" of HW - yet no matter where that relationship leads, he too will grow weak, make bad decisions, and one day die.

No, these things are not vital. Only one thing is.

Jesus.

Psalm 63 tells us these true things:

Our souls thirst for God

Our flesh faints for him - he is the living water when there are no other sources around

God's steadfast love is better than life

Our soul clings to God as his right hand upholds us

So let me cling to Him. I can survive anything. Not because I am strong. No! I am terribly weak. But because his right hand upholds me. He is all I need. As one of my favorite songs says, "only Your love is vital".

I have what is vital. The rest are gifts of grace. But he has already given me what I need to survive this life. And this life that I've been given is for him. For his purposes, not mine. The joys, the sorrows, the gains and losses - these are written into my story. But my story is just a tiny part of His story.

It's hard - so hard- to be open handed. I want to cling to the ones I love. With all my might. Oh Lord, let me cling to you instead, trusting that your right hand upholds me.