No Distractions = Grief

I've been distracting myself lately. Day dreaming about a future that could be. Imagining myself in a new relationship. Rescued in a sense from having to take care of myself - from being alone, and lonely, and without plans or goals.

It's fun to chat with a man on occasion and to check my phone to see if he sent a text. But he hasn't and he really doesn't have a reason to. I have no clue if he's interested in me or being kind. And goodness sakes, what if he was interested? As if I'm ready for a relationship!

In the absence of contact from him, my grief resurfaced. Because it's easy to distract myself with day dreams and plans. And so much harder to just wait. Wait on God's plans. Wait as time crawls and sprints forward simultaneously. Wait in the loneliness, the pain. Wait in the inbetween. To be in the process and not at the end. It's healthy.

I've decided (and gosh is it harder than it should be) to not reach out to him. If and when he's ready, he can reach out to me. I need to do my grief work. I need to face these holidays. I need to figure out who I am and what I want. I probably need to buy a car.

Ugh. Since G isn't here to fix it, I'm looking for someone else. I need to slow down. Let God's plan unfold in God's time.

Focus on Jesus. Raising Paul. Being faithful in ministry. Figuring out who I am. Enjoying life. Building relationships. Not trying to force a future to happen. Waiting. Waiting. Waiting. I hate to wait. But I'm going to force myself to do it. Wait on the Lord. He is more than able to bring the future to me that he has planned because only he knows what that is!