Meeting Myself Again

One of the unexpected effects of G's death is that I'm getting to know myself.

That question: Who am I? Who am I when it's just me? Who am I without G? It's been on my mind for months.

For so long, 13.5 years of marriage and 16 years of exclusive relationship, my choices were influenced by G. It was what we wanted. What we liked. Our goals. Our decisions. Our compromises. I think we both felt like we were the one who compromised the most but since he's not here to argue, I'll claim that role. He was the stronger personality. The one who knew himself more. He was more decisive, more comfortable with pushing for his way, more willing to force an issue. I was more afraid, had more self-doubt, probably felt more at risk of losing him.

And beyond our basic personalities, there was his health issues that dominated so much of our lives. The limitations that he had physically, the things that were ruled out for lack of energy, danger of exposure to disease, triggers from the past. There was the anxiety ( that we both suffered from on and off for over a decade) that sometimes became so crippling that it was hard to leave the house. There was depression (again - we both struggled with this though him more so) that made it hard to get out of bed at times. Most things were just an automatic "no". And so over time our world got smaller and I got used to the no. Sometimes I resented it, sometimes I would try to escape or avoid it, but usually I just (begrudgingly) accepted it and over time lost sight of what I wanted vs. what we wanted/ required/ decided/was forced on us.

So now, it's like these chains are gone - the walls of the room have blasted off. The only limits I have now are my own. My abilities. My desires. My Lord.

So now what? Who am I?

I am just starting to figure that out. Here's what I've learned so far about myself without G:

I eat less and I eat healthier

I spend more money on frivolous things

I like to fix up the house

I want to wear some make up

I stay much busier and like to be outside

I want to have fun and to soak up new experiences

I'm decent at learning Spanish

I am very insecure

I doubt myself immensely and have a hard time making decisions

I am a people pleaser

It's hard for me to not be in a relationship

I want a man to depend on. It's hard to depend on Jesus (not because he isn't dependable but because my heart is an idol factory!)

I want to ride horses and I still love animals

I'm not as worried about germs

I don't fit in anywhere

I feel younger but also lost

I'm not a great parent on my own

I am capable of doing this, even though I don't want to

I'm not sure how I feel about drinking alcohol

I'm susceptible to peer pressure

I need people (other adults) in my life

I like working more than I thought I would

I still like to bake but I don't really miss cooking dinner

G instilled a lot of confidence in me. I need to re-find that in the Lord and in myself