I Need Margin

I need margin in my life. It feels like a rat race. Being a solo parent. Working. Doing life alone. It is relentless.

Part of it is that I struggle with guilt. There's always something to be done. There's never a good time to take time to myself. I feel guilty about leaving P with a sitter when he's been away from me all week with school. I feel conflicted about to handle things with the pandemic. I feel too exhausted to ask for help.

It is relentless. Weekday or weekend, morning or night. Always something to do, someone to care for, something to respond to. No one initiating with me. Rarely someone offering to watch P for me. I have to ask. I have to pay. I have to decide. It's just one more thing.

Oh to have an hour to think each Saturday. I think I need to schedule that in, make it a priority, find a way to make it work. I am tired. And that's not helping me excel at anything.