Heavy Heart- 7 months in

I never thought grief would feel like this after 7 months. It feels like a pit in my stomach, a burning in my chest, a heaviness in my arms. It feels like muddled thoughts, heaps of self-doubt and so much loneliness.

Depression. It feels like depression. It feels like everything is a monumental effort. It feels like wanting to stay in bed but knowing that I can't - and then knowing I have so much to do but not remembering what it is or avoiding it.

I've bee thinking a lot about G's depression. And feeling like I should've been more sympathetic. I'd experienced depression too. For years off and on. But I think I forgot how hard it is. How unmotivating life is when you can't see beyond survival. How procrastination and avoidance come so naturally and how much dang effort it takes to do anything else.

I miss G. I miss him so much. He's been gone so long that I'm forgetting what it was like to have him here - and I hate to even write that! It's so weird that it almost feels surreal that he was ever here at all. Like I'm in the endless missing of him that stretches backwards in time.

Losing a spouse, losing the love of your life, your companion, sounding board, best friend, the father of your child.. it is crushing. CRUSHING.

I am so lonely. And all I can do is the next thing. Order the school uniform. Buy some easy things to pack in a lunch. Try to remember who is watching P which day. Try not to panic that he won't be in my constant care. Try not to live with crippling fear or instill that crippling fear in P. Know that he could be taken but let him take risks anyway.

I am honestly so scared of losing him. How would I go on? I need to give that one to Jesus. He is a precious gift and today I have him. All I have is today and eternity. Nothing else is in my grasp. Everything is sand running through my fingers. I can't grip it, it slips away. But God doesn't. He holds me fast instead.