Dreams

Since G died, I have dreamt about him probably the majority of the nights.

It was every single night for months. Sometimes it was really good things, sometimes he

was dying and I couldn't help him. Either way I had to wake up to the brutal reality that he wasn't with me anymore in real life.

I got up early this morning because my dream was so intense. It was weird and mixed up as most dreams are, but I spent the end of it sobbing over his death and trying to recount the last months of his life to his brother (who is severely mentally ill so there's been no opportunity to speak with him).

I woke up and just couldn't go back to sleep - didn't want to after that. I don't want to go back to that dream.

It's odd how our sub-concious processes things. My therapist told me that having those dreams of G is really normal - he's what my brain is thinking about constantly and trying to process and adjust to his absence.

Last night's was hard. Goi

ng through the last months of his life is hard. Trying to piece together and make sense of what happened - and did we miss something, and could anything have changed the outcome - it's all so hard.

This morning I need some coffee and to get my mind on something else.