Courage

I'm finding that it takes a lot of courage to be a solo parent.

No one would ever call me a courageous person. I'm an enneagram 6 after all and a phobic enneagram 6 at that (wing 5 over here)! Fear has been a near constant companion since I was a kid. A battle I've had to wage over and over again.

I didn't realize how much I relied on G to be strong in areas where I am weak. Courage is one of them.

G was decisive. When he knew that something was right he did it, not matter what anyone else thought. I am scared of people's opinions, a chronic people please, someone who is plagued with self-doubt.

G didn't obsess over money. He held it freely. He often said, "money is just money" which was his short way of saying that money isn't security and money doesn't last. It's a tool for buying things we need and helping others and that's that. But me? I fear. I grew up in a family that found security in holding tight to money. Where G was often and naturally generous, I have to push myself. Give the money away. Do the thing God is calling me to do. Buy new underwear for P since he's outgrown the old ones. Trust God to provide!

G didn't change how he was parenting when people were watching. This is a big one for me. Life is messy over here. Grief is messy. Tempers flare, patience is short, regression has happened, whining is coming and I tend to flee to my "mind palace" when I'm overwhelmed. And I'm okay with the mess - when no one is here. But give me the audience of family members and suddenly I feel the pressure to make P behave. Yes, I know him obeying isn't the number one priority right now when he feels so scared and so insecure and so full of self-doubt and so full of shame. I know I need to shepherd his heart and not just his actions. I know it's coming from grief and he is doing so much better. But give me an audience and I just don't want to be embarrassed. I'm self-conscious. I'm too demanding. Not patient enough. Too fearful of opinions to do what is right or to extend grace when needed.

G wasn't a slave to performance. He didn't constantly feel like he had to earn others' good favor. We are supported missionaries and with that comes a bit of an audience - albeit a relatively small one. I feel like I have to have something to prove that its worth giving to our ministry. I feel like I owe them some proof each month that I'm doing something. I am given proof over and over again that they care about US and not just what we do, but I fear. I fear rejection. I fear disappointing. I fear that I'm not G and therefore not worth investing in. I fear that God isn't using me/ can't use me/ won't use me.

And so being a solo parent takes courage. It takes saying no to productivity and performance to be there for my child. It takes saying no to pretending to have it together as a family so that I can extend grace. It requires me to spend money or give money and trust God with the future. Every day feels like I am being called to give more than I ever thought I could give. I am being stretched and challenged and forced into a life that is going to require so much more - so much growth - so much courage.

I can only take it one day at a time. But God promised grace sufficient.