Countdown to the Memorial Service

G's Memorial Service is in 5 days.

Last week I cried a lot just thinking about it. My grief felt so raw. The reality that he is really gone and I won't see him again on this earth felt so overwhelming.

Right now, I feel numb. It might be because I just woke up from a bad dream that resolved with G being so sweet to me and then - BAM- alarm. I'm trying to wake up early and be productive and have good time with Jesus before P wakes up in the mornings but often I'm just fighting to stay awake.

Eating has been harder as we get closer to the service (though I did just have two cookies for breakfast...). I've been feeling sick to my stomach with dread and that nauseous feeling I felt when G died. Like something so terrible has happened that eating can't possibly sound good.

Almost everything is ready. Tomorrow morning we take the pictures to the church and have the final meeting to make sure all the details are in order. Family starts to arrive on Thursday. My Ativan bottle is full. P is as prepared as I can probably get him. And now I just have to keep walking forward. Into what no one ever wants to face. Into publicly honoring and then saying good-bye to my beloved husband.

How can this be really happening? I wish I was a turtle and could hide in my shell from all of this. The loss. The grief. The acknowledgment.

Jesus will carry me. Just as he carried me the night G died, the day we buried him, every wonderful and awful day of my life. I will lean on him. I will not walk alone.