Birthday Eve

It's the night before my 36th birthday. My first birthday that I won't celebrate with G since I turned 20. We started dating when I was four months past 19 - we both were.

G always loved to remind me that he was 12 days older than me. But now I'm older than him. He's stuck at 35 - the age when he died - and my age is increasing. It's weird. It's weird to be older, to outlive, to continue on.

I listened to a podcast where a widow and a widower discussed how their deceased spouses were frozen in time. Kids get older, careers change, grief changes us, and our spouse isn't there for the journey. They look the same in the pictures - and no new pictures are coming.

I wish I could skip my birthday. I keep forgetting about it because this week has been so full of hard "firsts" and other stresses like my grandma entering into hospice care. If it wasn't for P I would skip it. I don't feel like celebrating. What is there to celebrate? I've outlived by husband. My husband died. He's not here to sing happy birthday, make me a cake, so sweetly pick out gifts and decorate with P. He's not here. Everything is different. Live feels like an incredible burden. No, I don't want to celebrate.

But P does. He wants to make it special for me. He wants me to be happy. He has some little plans. I am trying to encourage him that it's not his role to make me happy or to make my birthday special. He still says he wants to. Gosh is he the sweetest kid.

So tomorrow I will do what I've been doing since G died - I will do what I need to be there for my son. I will try to enjoy some bits because G would want me to. He always wanted me to feel special on my birthday - a day that I often struggled with emotionally. I will take some time alone at his grave. I will grieve. I will spend time in God's creation. I will likely think a lot about my birthday last year - how he worked with my friends to surprise me with lunch at a park during COVID and then made my favorite dinner. I will miss him immensely. And I will keep on keeping on.