Arguing about Arby's

Yesterday, I got a text from my brother-in-law about Arby's. He had just eaten there and thought that maybe G liked Arby's but couldn't remember and asked if he was right.

Oh Arby's.

G loved Arby's. Those roast beef sandwiches. I never understood it. I don't like Arby's - heck, I don't really like fast food - and always thought of them as really dirty places. Probably because the one in my hometown was pretty icky growing up. A place that college students went to after getting high or drunk. Not a place that sweet little families went to for a nice meal out.

So we had a lot of tension in our marriage over Arby's. Which sounds ridiculous. Maybe "a lot" is exaggerating. More like, when we'd travel, we would disagree about going to Arby's. I'd usually acquiesce (which was the norm in our relationships) and we'd go. But it wasn't something that happened often. And isn't marriage full of ridiculous arguments? Little disagreements that don't matter at all?

Well, Arby's became a part of our life together again during G's last hospital stay.

It was the end of November though the beginning of December and G was just miserable. At first he didn't feel horrible (once they could get him breathing a little better) - just the normal pain and discomfort that he experienced. So he wanted to go home so badly. He had missed out on Thanksgiving (which we didn't celebrate without him) and Christmas season was starting and he loved decorating the tree and being home at Christmas. We had traditions like baking and decorating Christmas cookies, listening to Stihle Nacht together while looking at the Christmas lights, hanging up stockings, setting up the nativity, listening to Christmas music (especially Barlowe Girl's album which he loved) and more. He LOVED Christmastime.

It was also still in the height of the pandemic, so he could barely have visitors (one a day from 1-5) and our son couldn't see him. He was so lonely and bored. And the food was bland, hospital food that sounds good on the menu but is nothing like what it sounds like when it arrives. Especially when you're on a heart-healthy sodium-restricted diet.

Then he started to get more and more medication and was in tremendous pain with muscle cramps all over his body to the point that I couldn't touch him without it causing him pain. It was terrible. And still the extra fluid wasn't really coming off and he wasn't getting much better. He was discouraged and lonely and sad and scared and angry.

So G wanted Arby's.

Food has been a go-to for him since he was a little boy. A way of dealing with the abuse and trauma he experienced as a very young child. His relationship with food only became more complicated with the shaming he experienced for his weight gain as a young boy - the bullying and ostracism. Into his college years he lost a bunch of weight but the underlying issues with food never went away. It was the one thing he could depend on. The thing that couldn't "hurt" him. Something to give a little momentary joy when everything else was so painful.

So sitting/laying in the hospital with everything stripped away and just pain and boredom and misery - he would think about food that would taste so good and wanted Arby's.

Gosh how we argued about Arby's! I didn't want to get him Arby's because it's so salty and I was so scared and just wanted him to do everything exactly right hoping that if he did, it would be enough to make him okay. And I think of Arby's as gross during normal times but in a pandemic?! There was no drive-through and I wasn't about to go into that place!

Every day before I came to visit him, he would beg me for Arby's. And I'd say no and he'd get ticked. Then he'd ask for Cheddar Chex Mix and I would usually relent (because at least CVS is clean to go into). But a few times I didn't or they didn't have it and he would be angry again!

Here's the thing- those arguments were so frustrating at the time and I felt so stressed out. I hate arguing and I hate even more my husband being unwell. But now I look back on it and smile a bit. I miss his stubbornness. I miss how he would argue and get ticked over little things. I miss him being annoyed with me. Because I miss HIM.

I think that we expect to miss the good things: the closeness, the hugs and kisses, the sweet moments, playing games together, good conversation, watching favorite movies and shows, etc. But I miss the hard things too. The idiosyncrasies. The frustrations. The arguments. Our issues. The way he loved me and knew me enough to challenge me and to point out my unreasonableness. How Jesus changed me through our relationship, even when it hurt.

Because those arguments meant that he was there. The splashy soap water all over the bathroom meant that he was there. That angry stare he gave when he was really ticked? He was there!

He was my HUSBAND. Our relationship was beautiful and hard and messy and good and everything else - it was real. I miss his realness. And I love to laugh over his idiosyncrasies and stubbornness and sense of humor because those were him. Until the very day he died - some of my fondest memories are him arguing with me that day because it gave me such comfort to see that he had some "fight" left in him. He was still there. With all of his imperfections. And he loved me with all of my imperfections.

I'll never pass an Arby's and not think of him. It brings an ache to my heart and a smile to my face at the same time. I miss that man who loved Arby's enough to argue about it every day while in so much pain. I miss that man who loved me and P enough to endure that much pain to try to be here for us as long as he could.

I just miss him. All of him. I'd take him back in an instant if I could.

Love you forever sweetie. Can't wait to joke about these memories in Heaven. Oh how silly our arguments seem now and how much more so when we are both with Jesus. <3