Alone

I spend a lot of time feeling alone. There's a type of aloneness that comes with losing a spouse that is hard to explain. It permeates everything. When we married, we became one flesh. We were joined together in this inseparable way - body, heart, soul, life, money, dreams, sorrows - every facet of our lives was joined together.

Honestly, I felt lonely many times when G was alive. Marriage isn't the antidote to loneliness - Jesus is. I at times felt misunderstood, uncared for, unsupported or abandoned. All the painful parts of being a sinner married to a sinner. It isn't perfect. It's messy and we hurt and disappointed each other many times.

But this loneliness is different. It's a realization of being a party of 1 instead of a party of 2. I no longer belong to someone like I belonged to G. My plans, dreams, hopes, possibilities that I shared with G all ended the day he died. I am a me, no longer a we. I parent solo. I plan solo. I manage finances solo. Care for the house solo. Vacation solo. Shoulder my responsibilities solo.

There are things you share with family, things you share with friends, things you share with neighbors, things you share with your kids- and then on a whole other level there are things you share with your spouse. But mine is gone. The jokes, the complaints, the questions, the needs, the fears, the hopes, the comments, the annoyances - the little things and big things - they now stay with me. I experience them solo.

Some might encourage me to remarry. But remarriage isn't the antidote to this. Sure, I would no longer be solo. But it isn't just being alone - it's being alone without G. There's no replacing him. There's a loneliness that is as unique as our relationship. My college sweetheart and the 13.5 years of marriage and the 2.5 years we were together before that. No one else will know me like that. No one else walked through those years with me - knew who I was and how it effects who I am. No one else is P's Daddy.

But I have to remind myself that I am not completely alone. Jesus is with me. There are friends and neighbors still. My family cares. My son is a gift.

I can't push the people who are still here away. I need to move toward them or I really will be alone. And that's tough. Because I want to isolate in my pain. Lord help me.