Accepting the Gifts

All of life is grace.

Yesterday, I was walking to my car after meeting with a student on campus and feeling happy. The sun was shining. My work is meaningful. I had a nice evening ahead of me with my son. Life felt good. I felt good.

And then there was that feeling of guilt. How can I feel good and enjoy life when G isn't here?

I felt it again this morning. Spent the morning at Panera scheduling coffee dates with people I care about, working on a job that I love and buying flights for this summer for some trips that will be exciting. There's a freedom and excitement in my life. And as I sat there drinking my iced coffee, looking out the window at a cute area of town I really like, and seeing the sun streaming through the window, I felt happy. Glad for the way that my life is now. And then came the guilt.

But what a waste guilt is!

These things are gifts. I can squander them by forcing myself to be unhappy or refusing to enjoy them because they are a part of this new life I'm living and not the one I lived with G.

I got home and I thought about how all of life is grace. And every gift from God is a manifestation of his grace toward me. I can wallow in self-pity or in a weird self-imposed misery, or I can accept the gifts that he is giving me now.

When G was here there were other gifts: My husband, my best friend, companionship, sexual intimacy, laughter, a partner, our future plans, our experiences together, doing life with someone else.

Now that G is gone, there are other gifts: Freedom, adventure, a chance to form new relationships, learning who I am, investing more in my job and enjoying it, being free to be myself in a new way.

Yes there are hard things now too. And there were hard things then.

But just because I miss G, just because he isn't here, doesn't mean that God hasn't given me other gifts. I want to embrace the gifts. I want to experience joy. There is enough suffering in this life. I don't need to force myself to suffer. I have suffered. I will suffer. Maybe this is a season for joy. For fun. For adventure. For growing.

For learning to accept the gifts of grace.