Time

Time marches on. Today is April 17, which means that in two days it will be 4 months since G died. 4 months! How can that be?

It's hard to describe what time feels like in grief. It's like being drug along by sometime. Time keeps moving. The future keeps coming. Things that seemed so far into the future are suddenly there. But I don't want to move forward. I want time to stop. I want life to stop.

I want to sit in those moments when G was here. I want to be in that first month when I was given the space to grieve and not expected (or required by my responsibilities) to move forward with life. I want P to stop growing and changing because every change and every growth is one that P isn't here to see.

And I simultaneously want time to speed up because I want to be with G in Heaven. I don't want to think of 10, 20, 30, etc. years here without him. That is just completely overwhelming.

I know that God will get me through today. And I know that today will take me one more day further from when G was here.

I feel like I am stuck in this muddy pit of grief and sorrow and life is whizzing past me and I'm just trying to hang on and not get swallowed by the mud while somehow keeping up with the demands of life at the same time.