6 Months

Today is the 6 month anniversary of G's death. My gosh - how is that possible.

I spent the last 4 weeks living at a frantic pace as I juggled taking 2 seminary courses and everything with life and raising P. It has been hectic and my grieving has been put to the back burner a bit. I did have opportunities to share about G and cry in my courses (oh the endless get-to-know-you exercises that I've never liked but now absolutely dread because "Hi I'm E and my husband died" feels like the only real thing I can share but obviously that's a mood killer for everyone). So I thought I was grieving. I was processing a lot and being brave and facing fears. I guess I was grieving, it was just a different type.

But today I slowed down. P and I decided to have a "relaxing day". We both needed it after a busy month. But the slower pace brought the grief and tears and sorrow and heavy feeling. The pit in my stomach. The ache in my chest.

Part of me wants time to fly. I want to speed up to the end of the story when I go home to be with Jesus and see G again. I used to always want time to stay slow. To savor the moments before life changes and G possibly gets sicker and P grows up. Now I just want to fast forward to the end.

But then in other ways I resent time passing. How has it been 6 months since I last hugged G? Six months of only hearing his voice on videos. Six months of making new memories and life changing without him?

I'm proud of myself for surviving, and a little upset that I have at the same time. It seems wrong. It feels wrong. How can he possibly have been gone for half of a year already? It's been the longest 6 months of my life and at the same time Dec. 19th feels like it was just yesterday.

So many feelings.

I know he'd be cheering us on. I know he wants us to LIVE. I know he wants us to THRIVE. I need to be healthy for our boy. I need to be healthy for me. Jesus wants me to cling to him. Life is not lived in the past, it's lived in the present. God has work for me to do.

Yes, all of this is true. True in my head but not always in my heart.

Jesus has carried us and he will keep carrying us. One moment, one hour, one day at a time, he is carrying us. Only by his grace have we survived 6 months.