4th of July

G loved the 4th of July. Not because he was very patriotic but because he loved fireworks. As a kid, he poured over fireworks catalogs, using his allowance and chore and babysitting money to buy a collection each summer and put on a fireworks show for his brothers in their big back yard.

Last year was the first year that he bought fountains for P. Every year before (since P turned 1) he did sparklers and snaps. But last year I went shopping in Giant by myself all masked and gloved up and G and P went to the fireworks stand in the parking lot and picked out fountains. On the fourth, G lit them on the sidewalk out front, to the total delight of P and his best friend who lived next door. It was so special and we talked about how we would keep doing that in the future.

G loved fireworks. Going to the Phantom Fireworks store. Picking them out at roadside stands. Lighting them. Watching the shows.

Two years ago (pre-pandemic), we took P (age 5) to his first fireworks show at the field near our house. We brought him earplugs and covered his ears and he was a bit scared but also loved it. G loved experiencing it with P. I think we watched the Cars 3 movie before hand to pass the time. And of course went to the pool and did snaps and sparklers.

Two years (age 3) before that we tried to keep him awake long enough to watch the show but he was too tired and so were we. That was the year that the guy at the pool tried to close it due to "thunder" when it was a truck going past but we fought him on it and he agreed that we were right.

When P was 4, we were in Florida and G has terrible bronchitis. I was so bummed because G was sick in bed and I had wanted it to be a special day for all of us. I walked P over to the campus pool but it was closed. Feeling totally despondent on the way back across campus to our dorm apartment, we ran into a woman who was so kind and got us a free guest pass to her YMCA which had an amazing pool area for kids. It was one of those moments when God showed me that he was caring for me and saw me and Paul. Then we went to Walmart and got some sparklers and G was well enough to walk outside to light them with us. P and I also watched people set off fireworks on the lake next to campus.

When P was 2, we got him his first ice cream cone on the 4th of July at our favorite local ice cream parlor in the town we lived in. And he did his first sparklers (holding them with Daddy- the very long kind).

So many memories. But today G isn't here. There won't be any new memories with him. Watching P do the snaps without him made my heart so sad. G made doing snaps so fun. He made so many things so fun.

We are at our favorite beach with G's brothers and their significant others. A beach we've been to twice before with G. A house we've been to before with G. It is good and it is hard.

I had one of those moments when I was driving here today when I felt like giving up. I just have these moments when I think it would be easier to not try. They aren't suicidal moments. There's no plan. Just this unwillingness to keep going. And then I realize I have to. I have a son. God has work for me to do. But sometime I just don't want to walk through this grief and missing G and learning to live without him.

It is hard and surreal and sometimes joyful and often crushing. Gosh oh gosh do I miss him. Every day, but especially today.