1st Day of School

Today is P's first day of school - ever. He's been homeschooled up until now, but homeschooling isn't an option for widows (at least those who want to keep their sanity!).

It's a new beginning in a lot of ways for us. A new chapter in this story that God is writing and that I do not yet understand.

Thanks to social security and scholarships, I can send P to an incredible private school where I am confident he will flourish. Today, during the Blessing and Commitment Service, we sang the hymn that is the school's theme song: This is My Father's World. It's a hymn that G chose to have played in his memorial services (instrumental). The school loves Lord of the Rings (G's all time favorite books) and exploring in the woods (G's all time favorite past time as a kid). I know that if G was here, this is the school he would pick for P.

And yet... we are doing this because he isn't here. P will be going to an incredible school, but it's because he lost his daddy. Put those on the scales and they don't balance - don't even come close.

This is Jesus' provision for us, absolutely. But it is provision in the storm, and in the valley of the shadow of death - not provision on the mountaintop or in the land of plenty.

That's a lot of the tension I'm holding on to right now. New and fun and exciting things - like learning Spanish together and American Sign Language and planning to go to Colombia to do ministry. But all the new and exciting coming out of devastating loss. What do I do with that? How do I grieve and find hope at the same time? How do I move forward into the story that God is writing when sometimes I just want to go back in time and can't see how this can possibly be good?

Back to school - new to school - new to work and being a working mom. So much to juggle. So much to trust Jesus can hold because I can't hold it all. So many worries to cast upon Him.