Unexpected Hope

I haven't written in a while, mostly because it has been so overwhelming and hard to think clearly.

Going through G's memorial service was a huge emotional blow. It brought back the grief in a very fresh way. G's brothers and I just kept saying, "It feels like December". The foggy thoughts, the queasy stomach, the gut wrenching sobs, the questions and continual rehearsing of his death - trying to find some possible scenario where things ended differently.

Two days ago I met with the nurse coordinator who took care of G during the 10 years after his transplant. Being back at the transplant clinic was really strange without G. It brought back so many memories. I cried most of the drive there but then got myself together so that I could enter the hospital, answer the COVID-related questions, and sit in the waiting room. The same waiting room that we sat in together oh so many times. It was surreal.

There was a man there on oxygen who was a heart patient and he was struggling and in a wheelchair - and I thought to myself that I am so glad G doesn't have to struggle any more. I want him back - but no the way that he was at the end. I want him back able to breathe, and walk, and enjoy the woods, and wrestle with P, and lay down flat on his back in a grassy field and look at the clouds and day dream.

I had a chance to not only thank his nurse coordinator but to talk about his death with her. There were some things she said that I want to remember:

• There was nothing we could have done to save him

• If I had forced him to go to the hospital, he still would've died - but alone and scared

• It was brave to let him die at home where he wanted to be

• Once his heart rate dropped, that was the end. There would've been no saving him.

• There was no other possible outcome.

• The majority of patients decide to not have a second transplant because they don't want to live through it again. Those who do are usually very young or don't remember it well.

• He died so quickly after he stopped fighting to live. It was because he decided to stop fighting and I gave him permission and supported him.

• To remember that he died at home, by the Christmas tree that he loved so much, surrounded by people who loved him.

Over and over again she told me that I was brave and did the right thing. I've had so many doubts. I am so thankful for her words.