Grief Camp

P goes to grief camp on Friday. I wish there was one for me too.

I just got off of the caregivers orientation Zoom meeting. Two other mommas were there whose boys have lost their dads. The one kept tearing up and it made me tear up too.

The pain is so fresh and so real. There are so few places and people that acknowledge the pain. In some ways it feels like I'm faking it every day. Moving forward, having a smile, continuing on, when all I want to do is crumble. It's not an option. I have to keep going. And I guess I want to or at least I know I should. THat's the thing about grief. There are so few people that I can really tell how I feel without scaring them. Maybe it should scare them? I don't know. I'm going to keep going but that doesn't mean it doesn't take everything in side of me to do so.

I miss everything about G. I am so glad P can go to camp and I hate that he has to. I never wanted my son to grow up without his sweet Daddy. I never wanted to be a widow.

We are living a life that I don't want for either of us. Yes, I see sweet moments in it. Yes, God is faithful. Yes, Heaven is real. But this is HARD and lonely and oh so isolating and sad. My person is gone. He isn't coming back. I wish he was. I want to bring him back but I also don't want him to suffer. Life was so hard for him and I hated seeing him suffer but I also hate not having him here.

It's complicated and messy and just hard.

If only they had a grief camp for me. Or maybe this is my sign that I need to find a grief group. Ugh.